In an era of personal branding, social media and the bumble/hinge/tinder marketplace, is deep intimacy being traded out for transactional sex? And what is the knock-on effect to the wider scope of relationships as a whole?
You have just locked eyes with someone. The moment lingers, time almost stands still. There's a connection, you want to lean into it, but you are unsure. You haven't validated them on some dating app or chatted with them through a device, there's too many unknowns...you freeze and now there is a social awkwardness. You now avoid the discomfort rather than sitting in it and following this path to discovery.
Before dating apps, you would have leaned in and embraced this as 'part of the process'. Now times have changed and without the adequate data, you let that one slip away...
The reality is, today’s gamified dating scene is now driven by data and not passion. Those moments of raw humanity and the complexities of love, sex and intimacy have been traded out by tech companies as an attempt to organise it all into a set of checkboxes.
Those pre-app days where you are meeting people and inviting them out 'to get to know them' in a relationship building setting is now just seen as 'creepy'....
Nowadays, every interaction happens under the assumption that you've followed the 'right channels' and established the necessary contractural "in-app terms", meaning the "crush has agreed to be pursued."
Have we become too cerebral with these heart-led decisions?
The biggest impact is seen on the tech-natives (the sub-40 year olds) and their basic human senses and social intelligence. Telematics and Informatics, a journal on the social impact of technology, conducted a study in 2023 and found that; instead of knowing how to walk up and speak to people many are now frightened by any threat to their emotional safety.
The barriers to intimacy seem to be harder and harder to break through...
You only have to look at the Millenials (1981 - 1996) and Generation Z (1997-2010) totally flipping relationships on their head. As with less social interation and less dating, there is now less sex, without the screen being the key tool for creating the opportunity. One would assume that Gen-Alpha (2010 - 2024) will only model their parents and it will become even less intimate.
Psychologists will tell you, the lack of what happens under the sheets, means human intimacy is on the decline, which then translates into a real lack of social & emotional intelligence in life (and a reduced birth rate too).
People simply don't know how to build relationships...
So what can you do?
Say the thing you think you cannot say. Often in those moments where you want to pursue something passionate the internal dialogue overwhelms the heart and you end up freezing. But if you know deep down it is the right decision, you need to take the risk and say the thing you think you cannot say!
Otherwise, if you are genuinely unsure, here is a strategy:
Create 2 columns:
Column 1 - What actual threats to your emotional safety are impacting you from taking the risk? Are they valid? And at the end of the day what is the worst that can happen?
Column 2 - What would you say if those threats were not there? Is there an opportunity you can pursue in that moment that takes the connection to another stage of discovery? Or maybe you just jump all the way in?
Are you operating from the victim or the player setting? This is a lesson in self-awareness. Do you take responsibility or do things 'happen to you'?
When you speak, do you say, "the toy is broken" or "I broke the toy?". Language is a key indicator to a person's heart. Do you notice your language and the blindspots that surround them?
For example, are you typically the victim (the toy is broken, the kitchen is messy, that business deal fell apart)? Or are you the player (I broke the toy, I didn't clean up, I could have done better in that key decision)?
The more we recognise we are all players and take responsibility for our actions in these moments, the more we will build out those intimate moments, whether in this relationship or the next.
The payoff is exponential when we live and lean in with self-awareness and good self-management. This enables a greater social awareness and thus, better relationships.
Caveat: In a personal relationship setting, all parties have to be willing to lean in with a shared understanding of the relationship's direction. There needs to be 50/50 intent for this to work. This doesn't necessarily solve long-standing psychosexual or marital issues in a personal relationship. What this does is it brings to light the issues, paints them for all involved to see and provides the space for next steps to be determined.
Practice Emotional Exercise. Lean into creativity and intimacy follows. Do you let yourself get lost in the emotions of intimacy?
Think of emotions and self-awareness as a muscle. The more you practice them and embrace those moments, the more you can live it out with authenticity.
Reading fiction or watching good films (reading is better) are great ways to seeing your emotions and creativity take shape.
And I am not suggesting 50 Shades of Grey. If we have our emotions and self-awareness right and if we genuinely embrace intimate moments, the intuition between 2 people and getting lost in each other just takes over. So tips for intimacy aren't necessarily found in those types of books.
But what I mean is reading books or watching movies where you forget about the rest of the world and get lost in the characters and the scenes themselves.
I have lost track of how many times I have read Tim Winton's, Cloudstreet. The perfect balance of heart and intellect. Where you live through the characters of the Pickles and the Lambs in 1950's Perth. The way that their personal lives and their tragedies bring about connection. The imagination and development of characters actually pulls you in and helps you see your emotions and how they respond.
Your mind and heart are controlled by what you are reading. Language is almost a form of mind-control. So, when you read or notice your emotions responding in different settings, you will naturally build self-awareness become more creative, intimacy then follows.
My advice, read and consume widely.
But what does this all have to do with business?
Well, if we embrace the current dating landscape, there will be this continued idea that relationships are transactional (swipe-able). The result is a decoupling of heart (and hormones) from mind and people will struggle to connect.
People will avoid intimacy and won't know how to be truly vulnerable and naked, which then means you maintain the comfort of your own emotional safety. Nobody will ever get close enough to hurt you.
This lack of connection means less emotional and social intelligence and then less of a willingness to lean into any new opportunities (business or otherwise).
People simply won't know how to discern whether a face-to-face conversation is platonic or has some hint of romantic or sexual connection.
Ultimately, less intimacy, means less sex, which is one of the most vulnerable states a person can enter into. Without the raw, messy moments that genuine intimacy provides, and with the added contraceptive barrier of screens between people, business relationships can become sterile, guarded and unoriginal.
The old school heartbreak, the joy of truly intimate moments (where we would rather be sorry than safe) that is where all relationships flourish, creative endeavours thrive and society is transformed.
Something to think about,
TK
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